Content warning: Christianity
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Thousands crowd St. Peter’s Square. Vatican and foreign bishops, deacons, and priests alike, flanked by a formation of cardinals, all convened at short notice for an extraordinary Urbi et Orbi address.
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His Holiness THE POPE (80s), a stern eminence, greying but resplendent in papal costume, appears on the balustrade. He raises both his hands, letting the roar of the crowd die down. All God’s children quake at his command.
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Ten full seconds of silence, pregnant with rapt anticipation. At last the Pope begins to speak, his stentorian tones ringing across the square.
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THE POPE
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Baby shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Baby shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Baby shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Baby shark.
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Indistinct Italian muttering among the ministry. The Pope continues his portentous oration, paying the commentariat no heed.
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THE POPE
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Mommy shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Mommy shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Mommy shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Mommy shark.
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Underneath the white cassock, the Pope’s legs begin to ROCK BACK AND FORTH, as if carried by the rhythm of an angelic dirge.
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THE POPE
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Daddy shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Daddy shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Daddy shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Daddy shark.
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At once the Pope CASTS HIS VESTMENTS TO THE WIND, revealing a yellow glittering vest and spandex tights. For an octogenarian, his legs are ripped. Busting a move in FURIOUS CHICAGO FOOTWORK STYLE, the Sovereign of the State of Vatican City proclaims the message of God.
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THE POPE
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Grandma shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Grandma shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Grandma shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Grandma shark.
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A divine DISCO BALL descends from the firmament, and a hundred VELINE (20s-30s), backup dancers à la the Rockettes, march forward, legs bared, and break into a BUSBY BERKELEY ROUTINE, a burst of classic Broadway terpsichorean splendour. The Supreme Pontiff continues to intone, each proud word imbued with the solemn gravity of two thousand years of turbulent ecclesiastical heritage.
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THE POPE
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Grandpa shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Grandpa shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Grandpa shark.
Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.
Grandpa shark.
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The assembled leaders of the Roman Catholic Church join irregularly in chorus, as a DUBSTEP WOBBLE overwhelms the sound system.