2022-03-17

Universe Control Panel

Settings.

Spontaneous song-and-dance numbers: [off | on]

After puberty men’s voices go: [up | down]

Babies are: [clean | messy]

Seconds of silence before it becomes awkward: [- 7 +]

Movie playing at dentist’s office: [La La Land (edit)]

Brussels sprouts are: [gross | tasty]

Fairy is born every time a baby: [laughs | swears | sneezes | farts]

Glass flows very slowly: [off | on]

Afterlife: [off | on]

Pawn shop trinkets are: [normal | cursed]

Over time popular music gets: [better | worse]

Bloody Mary summoned through: [mirrors | televisions | windshields | eyeglasses]

Sound cars make: [vroom | pssst | yoink | haha | weeooweeoo | bzzz | gurgle | dubstep]

Sound mosquitos make: [vroom | pssst | yoink | haha | weeooweeoo | bzzz | gurgle | dubstep]

Percentage of time you send first text: [- 60 +]

Terms “First World” and “Third World” are offensive: [off | on]

Trickle-down economics: [off | on]

Gangsters speak in: [flowery Elizabethan English | gangster talk]

Sexiest occupation: [statistician (edit)]

“Lloyd” is a human name: [off | on]

Days for milk to spoil: [- 14 +]

City destroyed in monster movies: [New York (edit)]

Internet discourse is civil: [off | on]

Bluebirds are immortal: [off | on]

Hair grows on nails: [off | on]

God’s accent: [Japanese (edit)]

Square-cube law: [off | on]

Other people have souls: [off | on]

An apple a day keeps away: [doctor | proselytiser | Britney Spears | IRS | NASA]

Popes are: [Christian | Jewish | Muslim | atheist]

Humans ambulate with their: [legs | toes]

Democracies occasionally flirt with authoritarianism: [off | on]

Ralphs has apostrophe: [off | on]

Spiders humans eat per night: [- 1 +]

Moon landing was: [fake | real]

Chinese is a tonal language: [off | on]

Correct trolley problem solution: [pull lever | don’t pull lever | multi-track drift]

Elephant locomotion: [flight | gliding | stomping | rolling | burrowing | wiggling | diffusion | contraction and expansion | disassembly and reassembly | Slinky]

Carrots are: [orange | violet]

Roses are: [red | blue | violet]

Violets are: [red | blue | violet]

Poop comes out of: [anus | mouth | ears | breasts | belly button | pores of your skin | nearest vending machine]

Lit class novels are about: [Victorian women seeking to rise above their station while their husbands commit interracial adultery | goats]

Fingers per human hand: [- 5 +]

Knees per human leg: [- 1 +]

Arc of the moral universe bends toward: [justice (edit)]

Boulders have faces: [off | on]

Squirrels have faces: [off | on]

Prayers are delivered to: [Washington Post IT help desk | God]

Teddy bears are: [dead | alive]

Amelia Earhart is: [dead | alive]

Big red dog is named: [Clifford (edit)]

Percentage of applicants to Harvard admitted: [- 4 +]

You are: [Kate Lainey (edit)]

Snakes grow: [longer | wider]

Sapir-Whorf hypothesis: [off | on]

Continuity thesis: [off | on]

Mystery novels are about: [murder | tax evasion]

Everybody is: [watching you | minding her own business]

Most beautiful word in English: [cellar door (edit)]

Songs just happen to end when you Shazam them: [off | on]

Standard telephone greeting is: [hello | ahoy-hoy]

Humans have eyes on back of head: [off | on]

Giraffes have long: [toes | body | neck | hair | snout]

Going back through a door takes you to where you were originally: [off | on]

Drug names are: [normal | weird]

Most intelligent animal: [mice (edit)]

When frightened, humans: [dilate | contract]

Amount of racism: [- 74 +]

Comic books are: [highbrow | middlebrow | lowbrow]

When coördinating, people count to: [- 3 +]

Earth is: [spherical | flat | toroidal]

Girl’s best friend: [diamonds (edit)]

Wines taste any different from each other: [off | on]

Cats all scheme of world domination: [off | on]

Inflatable clowns: [off | on]

More socially acceptable to be: [early bird | night owl]

Everyone but you shares one hive-mind: [off | on]

Armpits smell like: [sweat | rosemary | mint | doughnuts]

Burden of proof: [prosecution | defence]

Baby’s first word: [Mama (edit)]

Wishes granted by genies: [- 3 +]

Corporate and social justice jargons switched: [off | on]

Calculus invented by: [Newton | Leibniz]

Brain stored in: [head | breasts | left leg | butt]

Animals are: [realistic | cartoony]

Nonplussed means: [astonished | unimpressed]

Onions make you: [cry | laugh | sweat | fart]

Farts are visible: [off | on]

Centre of the universe: [Marylebone Station (edit)]

Finance makes sense: [off | on]

Offensive words replaced by: [bleep | silence | record scratch | trombone]

Humps on camels: [- 2 +]

You can pull other people into your dreams: [off | on]

Product placement in poetry: [off | on]

Dandruff: [off | on]


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