“Hi, InsuriCorp enterprise service desk, how can I help you?”

“Oh, uh, hi! How’re you doing?”

“I’m doing fine. What brings you here?”

“Um okay, so I’m locked out of the system? Like, I think I entered my password wrong too many times and now it won’t let me log in.”

“You’re an employee?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s your name and employee ID?”

“Um, Emily Morales, ID is 5013873.”

“Okay Emily, hang on for a sec.”

“Sure! All good.”

“Okay Emily, we’re going to ask you some security questions.”

“Oh! Alright.”

“What is the name of the street you lived on as a child?”

“Oh gosh, let me look that up, sorry!”

“You don’t remember the name of the street?”

“Okay sorry so here’s the thing. I, uh, once read an article that said, um, you shouldn’t answer security questions truthfully? Like, anyone can look up your street name and use that info to, um, steal your identity. So I always answer the security questions randomly. Sorry! I didn’t think I’d actually have to say them aloud to an actual person.”

“I see.”

“Okay I found it! Name of the street I lived on is: lowercase P, uppercase G, zero seven, uppercase Y, dash, or I don’t know, is that a hyphen or a dash? Anyhow, dash, uppercase F, lowercase H-I, eight, uppercase R, another dash, two two, uppercase M, lowercase X, hashtag.”

“Lowercase P, uppercase G, zero, seven, uppercase Y, dash, dash, uppercase F, lowercase H-I, eight, uppercase R, another dash, two, two, uppercase M, lowercase X, pound sign. Is that correct?”

“Yes. Wait no, only one dash! I mean, there are two dashes total, but the first one, where you said dash dash it should only be one dash.”

“Lowercase P, uppercase G, zero, seven, uppercase Y, dash, uppercase F, lowercase H-I, eight, uppercase R, dash, two, two, uppercase M, lowercase X, pound sign. Correct?”

“Correct.”

“It looks here like the system is rejecting that.”

“Oh what? I’m sorry. Could we try again?”

“Maybe let’s try a different security question?”

“Um, okay…”

“Are all your answers like this?”

“Uh…I’m not really sure I wanna go there?”

“Why not?”

“Uh…no reason at all. Sorry for being awkward!”

“You don’t have to apologise.”

“Okay, sorry for apologising! I mean, uh, you know.”

“Let’s try this one. What is the name of your third grade teacher?”

“Uh, let me check…oh dear. Uh, is there another question?”

“No, actually it looks like you only filled out these two questions.”

“Uh…okay. Is there any way I could just, like, type my answer into a box on my own? I mean, I don’t really want to take up too much of your time, sir.”

“Why would you want to do that? I’m already here.”

“Uh, I’d prefer not to say?”

“Look, the sooner you answer the question, the sooner we can get you back into the system.”

“Okay. Okay. Sorry in advance. Name of my third grade teacher. All uppercase, no spaces. You ready?”

“I’m ready.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Fuck you Tim from InsuriCorp enterprise service desk. Exclamation point.”

“Fuck you Tim from InsuriCorp enterprise service desk, exclamation point?”

“Yeah. Fuck you Tim from InsuriCorp enterprise service desk. Exclamation point. Um, okay, look, I was having a bit of a hard time in my life last time? I’m so sorry.”

“It looks like you’re back in the system, Emily.”

“Really? Thanks.”

“No problem.”