Why is everyone de-aging by one year each day?

We have no idea.

Where do babies less than twelve months old go at night?

We also have no idea. We suggest you spend as much time with them as you can, followed by other young children.

So does this mean I only have X days left to exist, where X is my current age?

Pretty much.

When exactly do I de-age?

Early studies suggest that the de-aging event happens shortly after the onset of sleep.

Can I avoid de-aging by not sleeping?

Theoretically, yes. However, we do not advise going without sleep for extended periods of time, because your cognitive abilities will become impaired in the usual way.

Will my cognitive abilities devolve as I grow younger?

Too early to tell, as of Day 2. Your memories stay intact across each de-aging event, but preliminary investigations, including object permanence studies and delayed gratification studies, suggest that other faculties of the mind may be lost, in the reverse order of when you gained them.

Are we sliding backwards in time?

No. Timepieces continue to progress forward in the usual way, and technological innovations remain with us. Unfortunately, novel diseases like COVID-19 also remain with us past the points where they would otherwise disappear.

Is social progress being reversed?

We hope not, although we will be paying attention to how demographics change over the next few months.

Is this the end of humanity?

In roughly four months, yes, unless we find a way to halt or reverse the de-aging mechanism.

Are you working on that?

Yes. The world’s best researchers, doctors, philosophers, humanists, crackpots, and theologians have gathered to work on understanding this problem. Unfortunately, the turnover in our workforce is high as our researchers de-age into and out of their own cognitive primes.

Can I join you?

Yes. We would appreciate your help.