Ladies and gentlemen, my dearest friends: the inner workings of my mind.

I’m listening to “I Always, Always, Never Get My Man”, the Countess’s song from the Schmigadoon! cast album (soundtrack? soundtrack.), when a thought occurs to me: I should look up this actress.

So I pull up Google and type Jane Krasinski.

Google gives me results for did you mean: Jane Krakowski? Yes! Sorry! I did mean Jane Krakowski. So I scroll down and let my finger hover over the link to her Wikipedia article when I see that the minimised search bar at the top of my screen still says Jane Krasinski and I’m shot with a pang of guilt. I misremembered your name, Jane, I think, and that was very disrespectful of me, and I’m going to do my penance by figuring out why.

It must have been some other celebrity with a similar-sounding name. Something starting with a K and ending in an insky. But who?

Oh, it must be that professor-turned-terrorist guy. Tom? Tom Kozc—wait no, Ted! Ted Kozcinsky. Koczinsky. I type Ted Koczinsky into Google.

Google returns me results for Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber. Oops, I guess I butchered your name too. This one doesn’t weigh as heavily on me, though, because you’re, like, a criminal. (I feel uneasy thinking this, though; do you forfeit the dignity of people getting your name right when you become a criminal? Is it in good faith to butcher the names of bad people? Erm, file this debate away for later.) But I do have a nagging feeling that Ted was not the inski I was thinking of when I typed Jane Krasinski, and that makes me uneasy.

Wait! It’s that guy! He’s like, someone’s husband. She’s like a famous actress from the 2010s and I’ve seen her starring in movies (musicals?), and he’s her husband and they’re like super-cute together when I see them on Instagram or whatnot. Facebook. If I can remember her name then I can figure out his. Em-something. Not Emma Stone. Not Watson. Emma … it’s a one-syllable surname. Probably also an English word. Blunt. Emma Blunt—no, Emily! Emily Blunt! And her husband’s name is—

John Krasinski. That’s it. John Krasinski, Jane Krakowski. Jane Krasinski. Now my sin is at least justified, right? Sometimes celebrities have similar names. Happens all the time.

My curiosity about the glitch in my thought processes having been duly sated, I get back to work and completely forget to read up on Jane Krakowski. At least until I pick up my phone again fifteen minutes later.