I never thought much about the relative sizes of fish.

Aside from the obviously big fish, like sharks and whales (which I know are phylogenetically not fish, but whatever), and the obviously small fish, like minnows and anchovies and tetras, I suppose I just assumed that there was a standard fish size, and that it was roughly the size of a dinner plate.

I’m using a dinner plate as my reference size because I primarily want to talk about fish that I eat. Salmon, cod, mackerel, sole, otherfish, tilapia, tuna. All of their sizes are dinner-plate-friendly, right?

But no!

Salmon are like two feet long, so roughly the size of a human baby. You can cradle a salmon in your arms.

Cod can be a little bigger. Three or four feet. So now it’s like you’re carrying a human toddler. Okay.

Mackerel are like one foot. So they can be the centrepiece of a large dinner plate, where the chef earns extra points for presentation.

Sole are a little smaller. Eight inches. You can have several sole (they’re conveniently flat) off to one side of the plate, with your potatoes and rice and vegetables or whatever on the other side.

Otherfish are a kind of white fish that my grandmother used to buy for dinner, in addition to salmon. I enjoyed otherfish a lot. I have no idea what kind of fish it was and don’t speak Cantonese very well, so I called it otherfish. Naturally I have no clue how big an otherfish is, but the fact that I never saw a full otherfish in the takeout boxes suggests that it must be pretty big.

Tilapia are slightly bigger, one or two feet, but still dinner-plate-friendly.

Tuna. Oh ho ho ho, tuna. Now I thought a tuna would be like a salmon, but no sirree. A tuna is a massive honking creature. My mum relates that in the Philippines, one tuna could feed an entire village. A tuna is a big kahuna. I’ve never seen a full tuna in the flesh, and I do not want to engage in hand-to-fin combat with a tuna. Reeling in a tuna is a boat-rocking game of tug-of-war. Two horses could ride a tuna. They’re several metres in length.

Why.