“The actor playing me has forgotten their lines.”

I need a new phrase to deploy in situations where I know I’m supposed to say something but I don’t know what. I think this might do the trick.

This phrase would allow me to retire [deer in headlights] and “Segmentation fault” as responses; the former’s too awkward and pitiable, the latter’s too computery and in-jokey. This one’s transparent and theatre-flavoured, which I rather fancy these days. Plus it pretends that all the world’s a stage and peels back the whole strings-and-marionettes artifice of it all to suggest that we’re all characters put on by actors instead of actors putting on characters, and I think that’s fun to think about and to make other people think about.

With enough practice I could deploy this line matter-of-factly:

“What’s a-cookin’, good-lookin’?”

“The actor playing me has forgotten their lines.”

“Lauren, this is my boyfriend Percy.”

“The actor playing me has forgotten their lines.”

“Before we end this interview, do you have any questions for me?”

“The actor playing me has forgotten their lines.”

Actually, maybe I can’t deliver it too straight. That would defeat the I’ve-forgotten-my-lines nature of the line. I’d have to work in a few “ums” and “ahs” in there, and sort of mumble it out in a diffident, barely-articulate word-slurry:

“Tell me about your life.”

“Um. Uh, sorry. The, uh, actor playing me has forgotten their lines.”

Yeah. That’s the way to go.