I have a hard time seeing pets as people.

I realise this admission is not kosher in some circles. Fortunately for me, Kitten Carnival is “Fifty Words a Day That Nobody Else Will Read”, so I feel safe exploring this defect of mine a bit further.

I know that pets are sentient beings, and I am very comfortable with that fact. My disposition to cats and dogs is overwhelmingly positive—I see them as fluffy bundles of Cute, or failing that, at least Silly. Dogs are full of energy and run around everywhere and lick you. Cats stick their paws in strange places and make funny facial expressions. I think that it would be an unalloyed shame if we were to lose either of them.

This still doesn’t help me see them as people, though.

Some people speak to their pets and seem to understand them when they bark or purr back. I wish I could understand what pets are trying to communicate. I wish I could sit down with a cat and ask her, “So, tell me what it’s like to be a cat,” and she’d regale me with lots of feline stories about chasing mice or swiping at fragile china sets. Absent this, I find it hard to treat pets exactly like I treat other people. There will be a nagging voice in the back of my mind saying, “I know you’re sentient and you have feelings and all, but you’re a cat and I can’t usefully communicate with you.”

Some people will speak of their pets’ personalities. I wish I could distinguish the personalities of different pets. I can get as far as distinguishing the personalities of different species, perhaps coloured by my culture. Dogs are hyperactive fluff-bundles of energy, tongues and slobber and wags and unconditional love. Cats are cute sociopathic mofos, sleeping 23 hours a day and scheming of world domination. Birds are chirpy, tortoises are stately, fish kind of just do their thing. But if you asked me to describe what makes Winston different from any other cat, I will draw a blank, probably because all of these “personalities” are just vague constructs in my mind that I subconsciously ascribe to felinekind in general.

And so where others may gaze upon a family photo on the mantelpiece and say, “There’s a family of five,” I might only say, “There’s a family of four, plus their dog.”

It may be relevant that I’ve never really had a pet.

Maybe I need one.